Sunday, June 15, 2014


He will be five when he wakes up.


How! I can not believe how fast time has gone by. What is it about 5 that is so emotional. I have been thinking about this for months.

Is it that he is no longer considered a preschooler?
He is becoming more independent?
Will start school in a couple months?
Is it my hormones? (no. no it is not because I don't think I am alone with this emotional age 5)
Is it that he is considered a child. Child now..not so small anymore.

I want to cry.

One was a milestone. First birthday! We made it.

Two I found emotional as well because I was back to work and time FLEW by.

Three was fun.

Four was fun.

Five. Five is fun but SO emotional for me. I am so in love with this kid. He has challenged me to no end today. Rough day and as soon as its bedtime I am overcome with guilt because today was rough and it was the last day of his being 4. I tried to wake him to tell him one more time as a 4 year old that I love him. He wouldn't wake up. So I told him anyway.

Tomorrow is a fun day from when he wakes and even gets to sleep at Grandmas. 

I am so looking forward to a new year with him.

Four was tough. Four was by far the toughest yet. He pushed and pushed and tantrums and frustration. He has a huge life change just 6 weeks ago. He has been handling like a champ but I know he feels it. But he gave it his all. He was tough. We fought. He cried. I cried. (John was in the bathroom a long time...maybe he was crying for all I know lol) Today was tough.

Tomorrow is a new day.

 He will be 5 and I will cry but a good cry. A new chapter in his childhood is starting. More freedom (im not ready) More confidence (im not ready) More challenges (im not ready) More memories...that I am always ready for.

He told me today that he is pretty much 5 and I can call him five already. I told him no. He is 4 and will be 4 all day and night. When he wakes I will squeeze him tight. He will fight it and I will love it. He will love it secretly.

He is right though. He is pretty much....Five.

I love him so.

He's 5.

Sunday, April 27, 2014

Things I have googled lately

  • Braxton hicks
  • Ombré and bilayage (spelling) hair styles 
  • Cervix rimming
  • Mucus plug (don't recommend)
  • How to induce labor at home
  • Dilating
  • Options for inducing labor through doctors
  • Labor and delivery (yikes don't do it)
  • Newborn photos (this I recommend)
  • Gymnastics (Noah's bday fast approaching)
  • Lego gymnastics
  • Contractions
  • What are orbs (don't ask)
Fun we go again. 

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Heart slayed.

So there I am in the pitch black carrying on with a regular nightly activity, the bed routine (which John dominates for sure) However on this particular night it was just me and the kid.

Bath, bedtime snack, book or a Noah story (he wants a random story where he is the main dude) and then tickle for a minute and "I will be back to check you in 5 minutes". In 5 minutes he is almost always sleeping.

This night, this night I was not prepared for what he was about to say to me. So I am like 8 months pregnant, hormone filled, back sore, wanting him to just sleep so I can rest my swollen feet and have a tea. I am standing there is the pitch black tickling away and he reminds me just how precious time is and in general. It never fails to amaze me how much he knows, to what extent and the thoughts that pass through his mind that I would never know...until now.

N: mom...when "k" is born (that is all you are getting for now) it is gonna hurt right?
p: Yes babe, it is going to hurt but I can do it, don't you worry.
N: Hurt because she comes out your bum right..
p: (laugh..pause then laugh again) well not really my bum love.
N: oh you're pee pee....but you're pee pee is different from daddy and me....cause it's small.
p: yes love, I have a smaller "pee pee"

I continue to tickle him with a giant smile on my face. This kid.

He then say sometimes babies die before they are born right. I said.. sadly yes honey. I explain sometimes the babies are just not strong enough. He said well I was though right, I didn't die but the baby before me died right mom... cause he wasn't strong enough. My throat tightens and I confirm. (I had a miscarriage before Noah) yes honey, that baby wasn't strong enough but I am sure happy that you were. I cant imagine my life without you.

I can "hear" his smile.

Heart slay moment approaching which completely catches me off guard. Here it comes, the "thank god for the dark and muster a solid voice" moment. He then says.., sometimes the babies live and the mommy dies right mom.


I was not ready for this and as I type this now weeks later I am a puddle. How does he know this...why does he know this...I said with a strong "holding tears back" voice that yes, sometimes the mommy dies but its not very common, it doesn't happen often. He then asks me in the most sincere, most heart melting 4 year old voice who is genuinely concerned "to not die, to please not die mom" he pleads. Fuck. I am full on tears down my face so thankful for the dark room and head to the floor. I tell him to not worry, that I will try my hardest and he doesn't have to worry about that. I said all this with a shaky tears holding back voice. It was weak. It was quiet. It was all I could muster up. I wasn't prepared. I could never have imagined this moment happening. This kid.

I am sure all you parents can relate to the amount of love you have for your children. Their happiness is your happiness, their sadness is your sadness. This kid has my heart. My heart in his hands and he deserves it. He can be the sweetest guy, surprise you when you least expect it with random hugs and kisses, I love you mom moments.

I feel like a ticking time bomb. Our solo time is coming to an end. I feel guilty with these little kicks as a constant reminder..guilty because the solo time is coming to an end but at the same time I feel happiness that he gets to share a life with a "sibship" (sibling relationship). I know that they will have their moments and this will be a big adjustment but we are all looking forward to it. They will love, admire, laugh, fight, remember, and hopefully always have each other. He always draws "k" in his pictures and refers to her as part of our family already and it truly means the world to me.

How will my heart handle this...another to love and hold so tight. I will do my best. That is all I can do. Ensure that he is not forgotten, that however sleep deprived, unshowered, frustrated, overwhelmed I am that I will have time for him. That I wont say just a minute all day long. I will figure out a routine that works for us all. I will dig out my hats for the days that he wants to go to the park but my hair is crawling cause I am on day 3 without a shower feeling. I will go anyway and we will remember these moments. He doesn't care how I look, he just wants me to be there.

I will do my damn best... and that part that makes me happiest about this, is that I know my best will be just fine with him.

Sunday, March 9, 2014

Thursday, January 23, 2014

room vs starbucks

If I want to be productive in getting some studying/questions answered I have to leave the house.

Even if no one is home

Even If its snowing

Even if I havent showered.

If I stay home I will watch a movie.
If I stay home I will nap.
If I stay home that will be the day I finally decide to organize my closet.

Anything but.

I did good folks.  Fancy decaf in hand I did school school school. Ease dropped.  Giggled with a baby. School school school then break to swoon over the adorable things in chapter's right now.

Husband hint* there is a gorgeous white scarf with red hearts and a turquoise wallet that noahs mom and your wife would be smitten with for a well deserved valentines surprise*

So ya. Home vs starbucks. Starbucks wins.

Ive read that if you drink the same thing while studying it can help you come test time. Bad news is we cant bring anything into the 3 hour exam. Really people.  Not even a coffee.

I shall purchase a camel back type mechanism for my coffee consumptions.

Till we meet again.

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Even more awesome when he sleeps

 I love to watch him sleep.

I'm sure one day this gets creepy but until such time i will continue to check in on him nightly to see him sleep.

So peaceful. 
So vulnerable.
So young.
So adorable.

This guy has my heart. Even when he is badass and we have a fight before bed...he sleeps and I feel so guilty. I want to snatch him from his bed to sleep beside me. The rib kicks and all.

Today was perfect.

He ate all his dinner. Played well. Was his normal funny character self..he gets an invite for a birthday party that will be at the school during school hours (am I supposed to buy a present?) and says i available?? He kills me. 

I went to lie down for a bit and he snuck in to see me with his iPad in hand on his new favorite show already on just so he could be close to me. It was excellent. I couldn't of asked for more. I asked him if he ate all his dinner (I knew there were 3 carrots left) he said just a second.

Ran downstairs finished his carrots and put his plate on the counter.

When he came up I asked where he went. He said to clean up and put my plate away cause I know that makes you happy. He can just slay me sometimes.

Today he was great, and he's even more awesome when he sleeps.

Monday, January 13, 2014

Slow down...

Just over a week and I will be 6 months pregnant. How the heck did that happen.

Well I mean I know HOW that happened but quickly.

I remember the first time I was so tired and had these lovely nightly naps on the couch after work. This time time to be tired. It's been going by so quickly it seems.

Except for this awful ligament pain...rounding of the ligaments to be exact. So painful and makes walking difficult because it hurts so much. I thought I was in the clear because it came later this time around...later but more painful.

Another frustrating thing is I hadn't felt much movement. Apparently you feel it earlier the second around. BUT not if your placenta is in front again. But now lots of kicks and jabs so we are happy.

I want to nest. I need a nice day so I can paint her room :)